You “Shouldn’t” Do This in Your Relationship

Whenever we tell someone what they should or should not do, we might as well expect the other person to get defensive and feel resentful. Think about the last time someone told you what you should do. You probably didn’t take it too well either.  We heard all about what we should or shouldn’t have been doing as kids by our parents. The last thing we want is to hear that as adults from our partners.

Some examples of “shoulding” I’ve heard from clients recently include:

“She should let me go out with my friends more often without freaking out about it.”

“He should do more around the house.”

“She shouldn’t get so angry and threaten to break up with me all the time.”

I don’t think that most of us realize how provocative it is when we “should” others. When we are in that state of mind, we really believe that our way is the “right” way and that any reasonable person would see it the same way.  This gives us the idea that it’s OK to tell others what they should or shouldn’t do.  Then we are often surprised when the receiver doesn’t take our statement too well, and now we have a new problem–a fight!

The truth is that even if we are “right” about what someone should do, nine times out of ten, the person who is on the receiving end of the “should” is not going to respond with, “Oh, thank you so much for enlightening me, you are right!”

Instead, they will dig in their heels and fight you on the topic way more so than they may have if things had been phrased a little bit differently.

In an ideal world, the person we are talking to is able to hear the upset and insecurity we are experiencing under the should statement and understands that when we tell others what they should have done, we really mean what we WISH they had done, because it would have made our lives a little bit better.

We would then sound more like this:

“I wish you would do more around the house, such as loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash (be specific).  It would really make life a lot better for me if those things happened more often. What do you think about doing those chores?” (ask what they are willing to do or not do as opposed to telling them what to do).

“I wish that you were more open to me hanging out with my friends. I don’t like having to fight with you about it every time it comes up. Being with my friends is important to me and I would really appreciate the freedom to see them more often without us arguing about it.  I want us to be able to understand each other better and get on the same page about this. What scares you about my outside relationships?” (ask for their point of view and try to understand)

“I wish we didn’t have these awful arguments where we get so upset with each other that you threaten our relationship. It’s scary to me when that happens.  I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, about to lose the relationship with the smallest misstep. Help me understand how things get to such a bad place with us.”

You may have noticed that these phrases also enlist the other person’s point of view instead of simply telling them what we want or don’t want. All of us need to feel heard and understood, and none of us do very well with feelings of coercion from our loved ones.  That makes it important to send the message that you want to know where your partner is coming from, but to also be assertive about your own needs and wishes.

Maintaining a curious stance (Why does it upset you so much when I want to hang out with my friends?) will generally work better than the “should” statement (I should be able to hang out with my friends).

If you are able to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and tell yourself that if they are upset, there is most likely a legitimate point in there somewhere, your response will be more effective. You probably can’t hear the part of their argument that is valid, because their point was presented in an angry and self-righteous way that immediately triggers you not to listen. When we feel attacked, we get defensive or we counterattack.  When we feel coerced, we resist.  That’s human nature.

However, if you are able to put aside the fact that your partner seems to be making a demand on you with their “should” and understand that there is likely something reasonable going on for them, perhaps you will be able to  resist getting defensive, ignore the blame, and hear them out. Then, you may come to an agreement on the topic that both of you can feel OK about.

What many people do is to form a new problem on top of the original problem (housework, going out with friends, etc.) This new problem is the emotional distress, fear and anger that comes from not being in agreement, and this problem almost ensures that we will no longer be able to focus effectively on the original issue at hand.

People go around and around because they are each waiting to hear that they are right, and the other person refuses to say it. I think that we want to be right because we believe hearing it will be so validating. But the real satisfaction after a fight is the closeness that can come from feeling heard, and understood and told that we are making some sense. When both people can talk about their deepest desires for themselves and for their relationship, intimacy develops. That can’t happen when two people are at odds. Being “right” at that point is the booby prize at best.

When we don’t need to be right and when we don’t impose our “shoulds” on another person, then we are in a whole new place. Our relationships feel more mutual, collaborative and intimate.

The best we can do in our relationships is to ask for what we would like, but without the demand. We can let others know how important things are to us without telling them what they should or shouldn’t do and without needing to be right. When you put yourself on a higher moral plane than your loved one by thinking you know what they should or shouldn’t be doing, you are practically asking to be ignored or to be fought with.

If you are the one sending the should statement, try to revise your communication to include what you would like to see happen, while also keeping your partner’s wishes in mind as well. When we are acting assertively, we remember that while our needs and wants are important, so are our partner’s. There is most likely a middle ground that can be reached if we don’t add in that emotional pain from fighting and demanding that things go our way. You can choose to approach your partner with the spirit of collaboration, instead of telling them what to do or talking about how wrong they are.

If you are on the receiving end of the should statement, do your best to understand that you partner is trying to tell you something important. Make the choice to listen and validate their concerns (even if you can only validate 2% of what they are saying). Try not to counterattack with a “should” of your own (“You should want to be with me and not your friends”), or get defensive (“Well, you are no fun to be around so of course I want to be with my friends instead”).

John Gottman, a prominent couples therapist and researcher says that it’s not so much what happens during a fight that is such a big deal, but it’s about whether we can come back later and talk about what happened in a more effective way. Most people let things drop and never really resolve their issues because it seems too hard.

I would say it’s not that difficult, but we are scared to do it because we believe that we have to admit we were wrong and we really don’t want to do that. I think what we really need to do is reach out and let others know that we care and that they may have a valid point, we just couldn’t hear it under the criticism of the “should.” Maybe we don’t help out around the house enough, or maybe we do go out with our friends too much. That can be extremely painful to admit. It’s not about the other person being right, or about our being wrong, it’s about taking responsibility for our actions, and balancing your own needs with the needs of the relationship.

In Nonviolent Communication we talk about hearing the pain underneath others’ blame. A should statement is blaming and that is why it’s so provocative. But underneath the blame, it’s guaranteed that your partner is feeling some distress and probably doesn’t think they will be effective if they confide their vulnerable feelings to you. Try to help them make their point by listening and staying respectful. It’s not about sacrificing yourself or keeping your own wants and needs repressed. It’s about sending the message that you care and that you are willing to work with your partner so that both of your needs get met.

In the moment, you may not care to follow any of this advice. I can understand that because I’m telling you what you SHOULD not do, and you probably don’t like that. You might think that I’m telling you that I am right with my advice and you are wrong with your “shoulding”.

I’m not trying to be right, I’m just trying to help you have happier relationships. And I really don’t want to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, I just want you to be aware of the painful consequences of doing that to others. There is a better way that will get you more of what you want and need in your life.

In your next argument, you might still throw that “should” out there and refuse to modify it. Or if you hear a should from someone you care about, you may get angry and respond ineffectively and kick off a huge argument. That’s OK. It can feel very satisfying to do so. I know from personal experience. Couples therapists make a lot of the same communication errors as everyone else because we are all human.

However, when you have calmed down, go back and try again. Reassure your partner that their needs are important to you and you want to work with them so that both of you are happy.  You can even infuse some humor into the situation by saying, “I shouldn’t have shoulded you.”

This article was written by Relationship Coach & Communication Consultant, Barbi Pecenco. Barbi specializes in individual and couples relationship counseling and coaching. For more information, see her website at www.sdcouplestherapy.com.

Improving Your Communication With Your Partner

The first thing you can do to improve the communication in your relationship is to take responsibility for your feelings and let your partner know what’s going on for you. If you feel your partner isn’t doing their fair share of housework for example, you will be better off 1) acknowledging that YOU have the problem 2) realizing that maybe not everyone feels the same way you do about housework and 3) taking responsibility for the way the lack of help around the house makes YOU feel.

This will sound like, “I’m looking around the house and it’s really messy. It’s making me feel very anxious. We agreed to split up the tasks and I really need your help keeping things clean.”

Taking responsiblity and using I-statements may help your partner be more open to your complaints than they would if you just blurted out, “You are such a slob! You never help out around the house.” When you do that, you are simply blaming (“You are a slob”) which will trigger your partner’s defensiveness.

As soon as your partner gets defensive, he/she can no longer hear you. The complaint will get lost and you will most likely not get what you need, which is your partner’s validation that your request is legitimate. Your partner will likely dig his/her heels in more and still not do what you ask. Now you are in a fight instead of collaborating with each other and working torward some kind of negotiation.

The second thing you can do to improve your relationship is to ask for your partner’s help in understanding their point of view. So when he/she is behaving in ways that are frustrating for you, instead of shouting out, “You are such a jerk!” try saying something like, “Help me understand why you haven’t been helping out around the house.”

Your partner’s defensiveness will likely not be triggered and they may feel more open to explaining whatever is happening for them that is preventing them from behaving in a more acceptable way. This communicates respect for you partner and focuses more on the real issue (“I feel taken advantage/not important/all alone in this relationship when I get stuck with all of the housework) behind certain topics (cleaning the house).

This article was written by Barbi Pecenco Kolski, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Barbi specializes in individual and couples relationship counseling in San Diego, CA. For more information, see her website at www.sdcouplestherapy.com.

How to Take an Uncompromising Stand

In the therapy room, I often hear my clients talk about putting up with treatment by their partners that clearly should not be tolerated. This is any behavior in which their partner is disrespectful towards them.

I tell my clients that one of the major reasons their partner treats them poorly is because they allow it. I then take them through the steps of standing up for themselves (see earlier blog called How to Stand Up for Yourself). If your partner is being disrespectful towards you, then it makes no sense for you to respond reasonably back. Emotional intelligence suggests that people who remain reasonable when their partner treats them poorly will continue to get treated poorly in the future unless they take a firm stand.

I find that both men and women have trouble standing up for themselves in their relationships. They often believe that’s what they are doing when they become critical or tell their partner how wrong their behavior is, but this is a misguided tactic. If your partner feels criticized by you, or they feel “bad” or “wrong” it won’t help them listen to you and respect you more. It will probably lead to a bigger fight and more disrespect.

If you truly believe that you have properly stood up for yourself without criticism and contempt and your partner is still behaving unreasonably, than simply standing up for yourself may not be enough. If your partner’s behavior toward you continues to be blatantly disrespectful, it may be time to take an uncompromising stand.

The most important thing you must keep in mind is that you are acting for yourself as opposed to acting against your partner. You are looking inside and deciding what behavior you can tolerate and what you can’t. We all need to have a firm bottom line in our relationships. For some it’s that the house work is split 50/50 or that they are consulted equally in major decisions. Others will tolerate all sorts of demeaning behavior, but if their partner were to ever hit them or cheat on them, they know their partner would have crossed a boundary and they would have to leave. While there is no one bottom line that’s right for everyone, we need to have some. If we have none, chaos is sure to ensue!

Here are the steps to Taking an Uncompromising Stand:

1)Tell your partner to STOP! Let your partner know that their behavior is not OK with you.

2)Withdraw participation from your partner (Remember that you are doing so in order to not be taken advantage of and NOT to try to get your partner to change or to punish him/her). Through pulling away you are letting your partner know that business as usual will not continue.

3)Decide how much you will withdraw and for how long. It may simply mean that you don’t hang out with your partner on Friday night as usual. Or it may mean that you actually need to separate altogether from your partner.

4)Consult a therapist to help walk you through these steps. This is difficult to do without the support of a professional.

The point is that you need to focus on what you need in the situation and what YOU will or won’t tolerate. Again, it’s about acting FOR you, not against your partner.

If you are dealing with a domestic violence situation, these guidelines likely do not make sense for you. Please seek out counseling and/or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

This idea is influenced from the writing of well-known psychologist Harriet Lerner and is reiterated in the book Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy.

This article was written by Relationship Coach & Communication Consultant, Barbi Pecenco. Barbi specializes in individual and couples relationship counseling and coaching. For more information, see her website at www.sdcouplestherapy.com.

How to Stand Up For Yourself

Standing up for yourself is an important relationship skill. But often what we think is standing up for ourselves is actually being critical of our partner and trying to convince them that they are “wrong”. This approach usually doesn’t work because your partner is so busy defending themselves that your message is lost.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt when they seem to be doing something “wrong” is typically a better reaction than blaming, shaming, judging or criticizing. It’s important that we say, “Hmmm, I wonder what my partner was thinking when he promised to take out the trash and didn’t for the third day in a row” as opposed to “How lazy is he? I’m going to really lay into him this time!”

Instead of attempting to prove your partner wrong (or lazy) in an attempt to stand up for yourself, the alternative is to ask your partner to consider your needs and work with you to negotiate something that is best for the relationship. However, if asking your partner to meet you halfway doesn’t work then it’s time to insist on it. Emotional intelligence suggests that if we accept bad behavior from our partner, we will continue to get more of the same. So if your partner is treating you unfairly, it doesn’t benefit you or the relationship to let it continue.

This can be easier said than done! If you are reasonable when your loved one behaves unreasonably you inadvertently teach them that their behavior is acceptable to you.

There is often no absolute “right” or “wrong” when it comes to behavior. In your reality, which is made up of your belief systems, your relationships, and your past and present experiences, you are completely “right.” But in your partner’s reality he or she is also “right”. It’s often best to forget right and wrong and instead make a commitment to meet in the middle with understanding and compassion for both realities.

If your partner bullies you to get their own way and you give in, you may avoid conflict in the short-term but you will build resentment and your relationship will suffer in the long term. When you can stand up for yourself you never have to build resentment because you know you can require your partner to consider your feelings when you need to.

Here are 7 steps for standing up for yourself:

1. When your partner behaves unreasonably, first try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of telling yourself your partner is a jerk, try assuming that there is a good explanation. Then maintain a curious stance, asking your partner to help you understand what lead them to behave that way. If you keep an open mind and listen for how your partner’s behavior makes sense (at least in their reality) you may come to a new understanding of your partner. Besides, how can you expect your partner to see your side if you do not do the same?

2. If you approach your partner with a nonjudgmental attitude and they become attacking, defensive, or otherwise unreasonable, keep calm and continue to approach your partner with curiosity instead of disdain, letting them know that you are trying to work with them. They likely will not see right away that you are doing something new and may try to draw you into your old pattern.

3. If, despite your best efforts to give the benefit of the doubt, your partner continues to be unresponsive, critical, or disrespectful, it’s time to ask your partner to consider your feelings. Tell him or her that you aren’t necessarily looking to get your way completely, but that you are asking to find some middle ground that takes into account your feelings as well as your partner’s own.

4. If at this point your partner still refuses to listen or is critical of you, it’s time to insist on being heard. Get angry if you need to. Let your partner know that their behavior is not OK with you and that you need to work together to come up with solutions that work for you both. Don’t be willing to accept anything less.

5. If you are still not getting an acceptable response, refuse to engage any further. It can be pointless to keep at this if you aren’t getting anywhere. If your partner is behaving disrespectfully and you stay and try to reason with them, you are teaching them it’s OK to treat you poorly. Rebuff your partner for now.

6. Take a time out and go cool off. Do something that soothes you such as listening to music, petting the dog, or walking around the block. Do NOT sit there and ruminate about what a jerk your partner is or get on the phone with a friend to tell them what a jerk your partner is. This will only build resentment. Tell yourself that it makes sense that your partner will not easily let go of what they want, just as you won’t, and try not to make a huge deal about it.

7. Return when you are ready and ask to try again. Know that you can repeat the steps from the beginning, continuing to stand up for yourself as necessary, so there is no need to panic, or attack or shame your partner into seeing things your way.

If you are dealing with a domestic violence situation, these guidelines likely do not make sense for you. Please seek out counseling and/or call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

If domestic violence is not an issue and you find these tips difficult to do, contact a marriage and family therapist in your area to help you with this important relationship skill.

This idea is influenced from the writing of well-known psychologist Harriet Lerner and is reiterated in the book Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy.

This article was written by Relationship Coach & Communication Consultant, Barbi Pecenco. Barbi specializes in individual and couples relationship counseling and coaching. For more information, see her website at www.sdcouplestherapy.com.

Why We Can’t Just Give In

We have a couple of choices in our relationships when it comes to things we disagree with our partner about. We can:

1) Ignore what we want and give in to please our partner
2) Stand up for what we want and ask/insist that our partner meet us halfway

3) Consider what we want, consider what our partner wants, and then decide to go along with what our partner wants

If we choose option #1, we risk disappointing ourselves, feeling taken advantage of, and building up resentment against our partner. In the long run, this option creates a gap in the relationship, which may inevitably kill the partnership. Our partner may not even know that we aren’t happy with what we are doing, especially if we haven’t tried option #2 which is to ask our partner to meet us in the middle and negotiate something we can both feel good about.

I recently counseled a couple who was in this situation. They spent nearly every (non-working) waking moment together. The boyfriend thought this was a good arrangement. She wanted more space just to be by herself and get some quality alone time. However, she mostly gave in to his desire to spend time together and was in turn getting resentful as hell. And her boyfriend had no idea! She hadn’t spoken up and let him know what she needed. He was very surprised to hear how important it was to her to be by herself at times. Her giving in on this was poisoning the relationship and her boyfriend didn’t even have the opportunity to make any changes because she didn’t make her needs clear.

When we choose option #2 we feel entitled to what we want and feel secure that we will be heard. We have no problem speaking up for what we think and what we want. Or we feel the fear and do it anyway, because we know it’s important to our well-being and also to the relationship. If our partner tries to make a unilateral decision that doesn’t include us, we let him/her know that is unacceptable and we insist on our point of view being considered. This is a true partnership. We are never going to agree on every decision and our wants and needs are likely to be different from our partner’s. But this doesn’t mean our relationship can’t work. We just need to be willing and able to negotiate something that both people can live with.

If we don’t feel strongly about the decision, then maybe we don’t make a huge deal about it that this year we wanted a ski vacation instead of a beach one. But if we really wanted the ski vacation, then it won’t work to remain silent and give in on it or even to speak up, be discounted, and inevitably give in anyway out of defeat. We just really aren’t going to enjoy that vacation and even worse, again, we will likely become resentful of our partner. We need to speak up and ask our partner to meet us in the middle about where the yearly vacation will be or any other issue that we feel strongly about.

Couples often believe that they fall out of love. They don’t realize that they let so much resentment build up from giving in and not feeling heard, that they decide, seemingly out of nowhere, months or years later that they just can’t stand their partner anymore. And again, their partner may not even realize that the beach vacation wasn’t a compromise because the other wasn’t clear about what he/she wanted. I saw this with a couple I work with. The husband really believed he had compromised with his wife on a number of issues. To his surprise, she just hadn’t said anything about what she thought because she wanted so much to please him and because she hated conflict. But instead of this being protective of the relationship, as the wife had intended, it actually began to destroy their marriage, again due to all the resentment she had built up against him and how disappointed she was in herself that she wouldn’t stand up for herself.

Option #3 is another form of negotiation that’s a little different than simply standing up for yourself. Back to the ski vs. beach vacation–if there are once-in-a-lifetime waves forming in Costa Rica this year and your partner just HAS to go there for vacation, then even though you REALLY wanted the ski vacation, you may still go ahead and agree to take the surf vacation. In this case, you aren’t giving in and getting resentful. Instead you are weighing your needs, and also your partner’s, and deciding that you can do the beach vacation WITHOUT getting resentful. You are making an investment in the relationship by doing what your partner wants. And you really are OK with the decision. And perhaps you make a deal that next year will be the ski vacation, which really helps you to be OK with surfing.

The point is that we can’t give in when we truly believe in something or really want something. The risk is too great, in that we may actually kill the relationship long term when we don’t require ourselves to speak up or require our partner to hear us. Don’t be fooled that avoiding conflict by giving in is good for your relationship. It’s just the opposite, unless you can look inside and really be OK with the decision you make. Be clear with yourself about whether you are giving in and getting resentful or investing in the relationship without resentment.

This article was written by Relationship Coach & Communication Consultant, Barbi Pecenco. Barbi specializes in individual and couples relationship counseling and coaching. For more information, see her website at www.sdcouplestherapy.com.